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Unconditionally yours…Part 2

This little heart of mine has been battered and bruised more times than I can count. It has sent me an official certified letter that it does NOT want to play my reindeer games anymore. It is completely closed off to any and everything. The last blog I made on this subject was filled with metaphors, analogies and metaphors to metaphors…this one shall be no different. Where as in the last analogy I said:

I slip off his shoulders periodically and sink below the surface…he lifts me back up and the cycle repeats. Each time the cruise ship circles fewer and fewer people are screaming at me…some are drunk at the hot tub, some are at the buffet and some are playing shuffleboard. I just keep floating.

Things have changed….this time I didnt slip…I let go. I sunk down below the surface and took in alot of water. The cruise ship filled with friends stopped…and they threw out what I thought was a life jacket for me. I struggled to the surface to retrieve it only to find out it was an anchor. I began sinking again. More water filled my lungs…I couldnt breathe. The cruise ship floated away. No longer did it circle around, it left. As it floated away I saw my friends laughing and having a great time while I struggled to the surface. I continued to try and tread water. A yacht pulled up next to me…and I thought OMG JayZ and Beyonce are here to save me!!! WRONG. It was someone who said they loved me and wanted to help…I tried to swim close to get on board and he saw who was in the water with me and drove away…spitting on me before he left.

I ingested alot of water as the boat drove away. I looked over to see if he could help me like he has done so many times before and he said no…I cant….I have to save myself. It hit me at that very moment….why didnt I love myself enough to keep my life jacket. Its not like I havent been in this water before with another person and the exact same thing happened. He saved himself….and left me. And here I am again…looking for help where there is none. I guess its time for me to finally save myself…but I still love him….unconditionally.

Flashback….flash forward

I wrote this poem almost 4 years ago….its amazing to me how parts of it are still very true so many years later. I can still feel the giddy school girl newness I felt back then….awww the flashbacks….

Man I cant even front
You got me open like a knife running down a blunt…lol
I see you and I cant help but smile
Thinking about you makes me stop and pause for a while
We both know what this is…it is no secret
An understanding that is so fucking cool and I want to keep it
During various points in the day I will get lost in thoughts of you
Your lips your tongue your hands those little things you do
Your smile is so refreshing it just makes my heart skip
Hoping and praying you didn’t just see that twitch of my lip
You love to make me laugh and that makes my heart feel good
Wanting to move that date up and thinking maybe I should
When that day comes I cant even begin to tell you what will take place
I will return everything you give me moving at a slow and deliberate pace
I think about that day a lot…but not too much
Because the last thing I want is for what we have to turn into a crutch
I wanna keep it the way it is for now and what I cant see
I hope you are enjoying yourself on this journey Mr. Ali :)

 

and thennnnnnnnnnnn…..i flash forward to today.  Its 3am and I’m awake, as if I dont have to report to work in the morning.  As if I dont need all the sleep I can get to focus, because even with 8 or more hours of sleep my focus has been less than sharp and my performance has truly suffered.  Alas, he remains on my brain and in my inbox.  Never in my life has someone had such a hold on me. A hold so strong that the thought of going without makes me physically ill. That cant be good? Can it?  I am constantly in search of where I’m supposed to go….GPS been out of service…that bitch STAY recalculating….I’m still on the path though. There has to be a reason I’m sure.  All of the other lessons I was supposed to learn I got those, they were easy.  Sure I repeated a couple but I got it now. This one….man this one is just…I dont even know.  I feel like this is my most important test and I’m trying really hard not to fail….ok now I’m rambling and not making any sense. At least I stick with the theme though, extrarandom…all day erryday!

It really bothers me that she wrote exactly about my life. EXACTLY. Did she say 3 years…yeah she did.

 

 

Eagerly anticipating Adele

I’m tryin to buy her UK album next week…fuck waiting til February for the US release…but in the interim this pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Let that marinate….

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It’s been there for days on end
And it’s been waitin’ for you to open up
Yours too baby, come on now, I’m trying to tell you just how
I like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it’s always been me

That’s made you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
But you’d save the best for last like I’m the one for you

You should know that you’re just a temporary fix
This is not routine with you, it don’t mean that much to me
You’re just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you’d get away with tryin’ to play me

Why is it every time I think I’ve tried my hardest
It turns out it ain’t enough, you’re still not mentionin’ love?
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I’m takin’ these chances and gettin’ nowhere
And though I’m trying my hardest you back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I’m still hopin’ one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
But you’d save the best for last like I’m the one for you

You should know that you’re just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don’t mean that much to me
You’re just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you’d get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak runnin’ around
And I will do until I find myself with you

And make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And be all you need so that you never want more
Then you’d say all of the right things without a clue
And you’ll be the one for me and me the one for you

STRESS!!!!!

Everyone who KNOWS me, knows that it takes alot to stress me out. I mean I can count on one hand how many times I have truly been stressed in my life. I work pretty hard to keep that number down. I’m naturally a happy person. No need for drugs, alcohol or sex…well ok maybe sometimes but that’s different. :) I can’t explain my normally sunny disposition…it just is. I dont question it, I just thank 8yr old Jesus for giving it to me.

As of late I have taken measures to eleviate a great amount of stress that I brought upon myself. That person is none to pleased that he was voted off the island, but guess who cares? Nope….not me either. I do think that I have been a little more stressed than usual this past month. My infrequent, mini anxiety attacks have escalated and become somewhat commonplace. No Bueno!

I know that I brought that upon myself and I took some necessary measures to eleviate that as well. Life is too short to be stressed when there are goo gobs of happiness waiting out there for you. I cant continue on this way I know that much for sure. My health has been adversely affected and my smiles have turned upside down.

The ball is no longer in my court, all I can do now is sit and wait. Whatever decision comes I will be ok with, but this shit right here…i will not continue with.

Unconditionally yours…


Mr. Webster and his peoples define it as:

affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

I think I am feeling it for the first time in my life for someone who does not share my DNA. Great huh? Not so fast….he doesn’t want it. Actually I cant say that, he just doesn’t know what to do with it I guess. Maybe that’s not it either. At this point my brain hurts and I don’t really want to think about it anymore.

I have dedicated a considerable amount of time in my life to thoughts of him, spending time with him, caring for and loving him. I’m exhausted, running on fumes and in desperate need of a fill-up….except my AAA membership has expired. What to do…what to do?

My mind is filled with metaphors that are probably useless and meaningless to the average reader who stumbles upon this blog from a link from another blog. Right now the metaphor or better yet the analogy to describe this situation would be…we are both in the ocean…i’ve given him my life jacket (smart huh?) and I’m hanging on to his back trying to stay afloat.

There is a huge carnival cruise ship filled with my friends who keep screaming…KANDI GET YOUR ASS ON THIS BOAT!!! and I say…oh, no thanks…we’re good. I slip off his shoulders periodically and sink below the surface…he lifts me back up and the cycle repeats. Each time the cruise ship circles fewer and fewer people are screaming at me…some are drunk at the hot tub, some are at the buffet and some are playing shuffleboard. I just keep floating.

At this point I am faced with the thoughts of whether I want to get out of this water and put on some nice warm socks or stay here because I’m his…unconditionally. No matter how stormy the seas…

Extrarandom enough for you?

And all the pieces arent even in the box….

and yet…you see the picture clear as day….. Pardon me while I enjoy this musical interlude.

Ok and now back to your regularly scheduled extrarandom blog. Of all of Beyonce’s songs, this one speaks to me the most. The people that tend to love me the most and the most honestly are the ones I tend to treat the worst…and they still love me. I don’t know why but I thank 23 year old Jesus everyday for them. I have had a lot of A-HA moments in the last 7 days, 2011 has been super insightful. The old me used to scream, yell and cry if I didn’t get my way. These days, I sit back and assess the situation and formulate an action plan. They say in your 30’s you really start to understand who you are…and by your 40’s you get it and life is a lot easier. Well I can tell you, I can’t wait if it gets better than this.
I feel like for the last one third of a dozen years I have been trying to put together this puzzle with 10,000 pieces and the box showing what the picture is supposed to look like was missing. Over the last one tenth of ten years I have had a couple of occasions where the box showed up and was flipped over for 2 nanoseconds and then gone again. I caught a glimpse….enough to let me know that I got the edges right, and now its time to try and put the center together.
I usually hate puzzles, my ADD wont allow for me to concentrate long enough to finish, but this one…I plan to finish, its on my bucket list and 2012 will be here before you know it. I know today I sound extrarandomy…I don’t know what it is…crazy hormones I guess, or I’m about to start my period. Anywho…have a great weekend!

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