Posts tagged ‘ali’

Flashback….flash forward

I wrote this poem almost 4 years ago….its amazing to me how parts of it are still very true so many years later. I can still feel the giddy school girl newness I felt back then….awww the flashbacks….

Man I cant even front
You got me open like a knife running down a blunt…lol
I see you and I cant help but smile
Thinking about you makes me stop and pause for a while
We both know what this is…it is no secret
An understanding that is so fucking cool and I want to keep it
During various points in the day I will get lost in thoughts of you
Your lips your tongue your hands those little things you do
Your smile is so refreshing it just makes my heart skip
Hoping and praying you didn’t just see that twitch of my lip
You love to make me laugh and that makes my heart feel good
Wanting to move that date up and thinking maybe I should
When that day comes I cant even begin to tell you what will take place
I will return everything you give me moving at a slow and deliberate pace
I think about that day a lot…but not too much
Because the last thing I want is for what we have to turn into a crutch
I wanna keep it the way it is for now and what I cant see
I hope you are enjoying yourself on this journey Mr. Ali 🙂

 

and thennnnnnnnnnnn…..i flash forward to today.  Its 3am and I’m awake, as if I dont have to report to work in the morning.  As if I dont need all the sleep I can get to focus, because even with 8 or more hours of sleep my focus has been less than sharp and my performance has truly suffered.  Alas, he remains on my brain and in my inbox.  Never in my life has someone had such a hold on me. A hold so strong that the thought of going without makes me physically ill. That cant be good? Can it?  I am constantly in search of where I’m supposed to go….GPS been out of service…that bitch STAY recalculating….I’m still on the path though. There has to be a reason I’m sure.  All of the other lessons I was supposed to learn I got those, they were easy.  Sure I repeated a couple but I got it now. This one….man this one is just…I dont even know.  I feel like this is my most important test and I’m trying really hard not to fail….ok now I’m rambling and not making any sense. At least I stick with the theme though, extrarandom…all day erryday!

It really bothers me that she wrote exactly about my life. EXACTLY. Did she say 3 years…yeah she did.

 

 

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If I were being honest

If I were being honest, I would ask you was your response to me the first time you told me a lie
If I were being honest, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to hide my tears on that 10 hour car ride
If I were being honest, I would admit that I know your love for me is true
If I were being honest, I would admit that as I buried my face in your chest I prayed I didn’t have to let go of you
If I were being honest, I would say I don’t care who thinks we should be through
If I were being honest, I would tell them how much for me you truly do
If I were being honest, I would listen to the feelings in my heart
If I were being honest, then there would probably have never been a relationship from the start
If I were being honest, I would tell you how much I miss your kiss
If I were being honest, I would admit how much I can’t stand this shit
If I were being honest, I would tell everyone who comes in here and rolls their eyes to shut the fuck up
If I were being honest, I would admit how not having you in my life is very tough
If I were being honest, I would let myself feel this pain because maybe its what I need
If I were being honest, I would tell you how much you mean to me
If I were being honest, I would stop praying that you would wake up and want to be with me
If I were being honest, I would never stop telling you that I love you _ _ _.

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Dear Ali,

For some reason you think this letter should be addressed to you…so i said why the hell not. lol  Honestly everything that I WANT to tell you, i either have or will eventually.  You are learning alot on your own and by the end of this week im sure you will have more information than you ever thought you wanted to know.  Hope you’re ready.

Signed,

See ya on da road

Day 23 – The last person you kissed

Dear Ali,

I have thought long and hard about what to write in this letter.  Since you have requested the complete and utter unedited version I have decided to switch it up a little.  So much of “us” has been posted on various social networks for the world and our “friends” to see, for this letter I want to keep it between you and I.  The things that we only share between us are things that I cherish…and I want to hold on to.  I hope you share my sentiment.  So you have the choice of receiving you letter digitally or in person. Let me know.

Always,

Kandice

 

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Dear Ali,

How are you this morning? Great, great…glad to hear it.  So in keeping with my theme of being 100% and not editing I can tell you that this is going to be a hard letter. As you know I OFTEN edit myself around you.  You ask me what’s wrong and I say nothing…but because you know me, you know I’m lying.  I chose you for this letter because I think about you…quite often. I would say that 99% of the time its good. lol That 1% I choose not to deal with. Its been almost 4 years since you rolled into my life and I can honestly say that I have never been happier to meet anyone else.  You make me smile when I desperately want to be sad. You take such wonderful care of me that I can’t even fight you…I just let you.  You never try to steer me in the wrong direction for your own personal benefit and thats what makes me love you.

There is more that I want and need to say to you…but I am going to save that for Day 23. (unless something changes…lol)

Always,

Kandi