Posts tagged ‘love’

Flashback….flash forward

I wrote this poem almost 4 years ago….its amazing to me how parts of it are still very true so many years later. I can still feel the giddy school girl newness I felt back then….awww the flashbacks….

Man I cant even front
You got me open like a knife running down a blunt…lol
I see you and I cant help but smile
Thinking about you makes me stop and pause for a while
We both know what this is…it is no secret
An understanding that is so fucking cool and I want to keep it
During various points in the day I will get lost in thoughts of you
Your lips your tongue your hands those little things you do
Your smile is so refreshing it just makes my heart skip
Hoping and praying you didn’t just see that twitch of my lip
You love to make me laugh and that makes my heart feel good
Wanting to move that date up and thinking maybe I should
When that day comes I cant even begin to tell you what will take place
I will return everything you give me moving at a slow and deliberate pace
I think about that day a lot…but not too much
Because the last thing I want is for what we have to turn into a crutch
I wanna keep it the way it is for now and what I cant see
I hope you are enjoying yourself on this journey Mr. Ali 🙂

 

and thennnnnnnnnnnn…..i flash forward to today.  Its 3am and I’m awake, as if I dont have to report to work in the morning.  As if I dont need all the sleep I can get to focus, because even with 8 or more hours of sleep my focus has been less than sharp and my performance has truly suffered.  Alas, he remains on my brain and in my inbox.  Never in my life has someone had such a hold on me. A hold so strong that the thought of going without makes me physically ill. That cant be good? Can it?  I am constantly in search of where I’m supposed to go….GPS been out of service…that bitch STAY recalculating….I’m still on the path though. There has to be a reason I’m sure.  All of the other lessons I was supposed to learn I got those, they were easy.  Sure I repeated a couple but I got it now. This one….man this one is just…I dont even know.  I feel like this is my most important test and I’m trying really hard not to fail….ok now I’m rambling and not making any sense. At least I stick with the theme though, extrarandom…all day erryday!

It really bothers me that she wrote exactly about my life. EXACTLY. Did she say 3 years…yeah she did.

 

 

Unconditionally yours…


Mr. Webster and his peoples define it as:

affection with no limits or conditions; complete love

I think I am feeling it for the first time in my life for someone who does not share my DNA. Great huh? Not so fast….he doesn’t want it. Actually I cant say that, he just doesn’t know what to do with it I guess. Maybe that’s not it either. At this point my brain hurts and I don’t really want to think about it anymore.

I have dedicated a considerable amount of time in my life to thoughts of him, spending time with him, caring for and loving him. I’m exhausted, running on fumes and in desperate need of a fill-up….except my AAA membership has expired. What to do…what to do?

My mind is filled with metaphors that are probably useless and meaningless to the average reader who stumbles upon this blog from a link from another blog. Right now the metaphor or better yet the analogy to describe this situation would be…we are both in the ocean…i’ve given him my life jacket (smart huh?) and I’m hanging on to his back trying to stay afloat.

There is a huge carnival cruise ship filled with my friends who keep screaming…KANDI GET YOUR ASS ON THIS BOAT!!! and I say…oh, no thanks…we’re good. I slip off his shoulders periodically and sink below the surface…he lifts me back up and the cycle repeats. Each time the cruise ship circles fewer and fewer people are screaming at me…some are drunk at the hot tub, some are at the buffet and some are playing shuffleboard. I just keep floating.

At this point I am faced with the thoughts of whether I want to get out of this water and put on some nice warm socks or stay here because I’m his…unconditionally. No matter how stormy the seas…

Extrarandom enough for you?

If I were being honest

If I were being honest, I would ask you was your response to me the first time you told me a lie
If I were being honest, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to hide my tears on that 10 hour car ride
If I were being honest, I would admit that I know your love for me is true
If I were being honest, I would admit that as I buried my face in your chest I prayed I didn’t have to let go of you
If I were being honest, I would say I don’t care who thinks we should be through
If I were being honest, I would tell them how much for me you truly do
If I were being honest, I would listen to the feelings in my heart
If I were being honest, then there would probably have never been a relationship from the start
If I were being honest, I would tell you how much I miss your kiss
If I were being honest, I would admit how much I can’t stand this shit
If I were being honest, I would tell everyone who comes in here and rolls their eyes to shut the fuck up
If I were being honest, I would admit how not having you in my life is very tough
If I were being honest, I would let myself feel this pain because maybe its what I need
If I were being honest, I would tell you how much you mean to me
If I were being honest, I would stop praying that you would wake up and want to be with me
If I were being honest, I would never stop telling you that I love you _ _ _.

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Dear Tony,

Today is probably the worst day for me to write this letter…or maybe its the best.  After watching For Colored Girls I feel like my emotions are really raw right now.  Its so amazing the things you learn as you age.  When I first met you, I thought you were this annoying freshman always tryin to hit on me. I guess something can be said about the love that grows when you feel protected.  I learned how to love from you.  The feelings that I get whenever I’m around you, I dont get with anyone else. For the longest time you were the benchmark. Everyone was compared to you…and no one measured up.  I look around now and your presence in my life is barely recognizable.  I never wanted it to be this way and I dont know why it is.  I guess with me moving away what can I really expect.  I really didnt give you an explanation why I was leaving, but you were a big part.  I didnt want to keep holding on to figure out what we were going to be. You offered no promises and I began to see a future that was bleek.  I figured why would I stick around for nothing.  I wanted to find something new….find a love that I felt a deserved. I so desperately wanted you to be the person to give me that love, but alas it was not in the cards.

We are still cordial and thats always a plus.  Maybe a little too cordial because thats all there is now.  There is none of the shit talking we used to do that i truly miss.  How I long to hear you say Aye Shawty Red, it brought a smile to my face everytime.  I guess I cant continue living in the past.  We are 2 different people now in 2 different places.  I wish you happiness and love.

Kandice

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Dear Granny,

I am addressing this letter to both of you. I feel so fortunate to have you both still on this earth, even though I dont speak to you as often as I should.  I thank you for all that you have taught me and the model of what a real lady should be that you have shown.  I only hope and pray that one day I can be 1/1,000,000 of the women that you are.  My life’s purpose will feel fulfilled.

I love you and hope to see you soon,

Kandi