This little heart of mine has been battered and bruised more times than I can count. It has sent me an official certified letter that it does NOT want to play my reindeer games anymore. It is completely closed off to any and everything. The last blog I made on this subject was filled with metaphors, analogies and metaphors to metaphors…this one shall be no different. Where as in the last analogy I said:

I slip off his shoulders periodically and sink below the surface…he lifts me back up and the cycle repeats. Each time the cruise ship circles fewer and fewer people are screaming at me…some are drunk at the hot tub, some are at the buffet and some are playing shuffleboard. I just keep floating.

Things have changed….this time I didnt slip…I let go. I sunk down below the surface and took in alot of water. The cruise ship filled with friends stopped…and they threw out what I thought was a life jacket for me. I struggled to the surface to retrieve it only to find out it was an anchor. I began sinking again. More water filled my lungs…I couldnt breathe. The cruise ship floated away. No longer did it circle around, it left. As it floated away I saw my friends laughing and having a great time while I struggled to the surface. I continued to try and tread water. A yacht pulled up next to me…and I thought OMG JayZ and Beyonce are here to save me!!! WRONG. It was someone who said they loved me and wanted to help…I tried to swim close to get on board and he saw who was in the water with me and drove away…spitting on me before he left.

I ingested alot of water as the boat drove away. I looked over to see if he could help me like he has done so many times before and he said no…I cant….I have to save myself. It hit me at that very moment….why didnt I love myself enough to keep my life jacket. Its not like I havent been in this water before with another person and the exact same thing happened. He saved himself….and left me. And here I am again…looking for help where there is none. I guess its time for me to finally save myself…but I still love him….unconditionally.